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If the world's at large, why should I remain?

7/21/2015

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My hair is dipped in glue and my "juice" is disguised in a mug. It's 1 am and I am so happy to be awake. Something inside me is changing. I think I am growing once again. My life is infected by laughter and hard work. I don't know which one I admire more. The hostel phone is clipped to my side and I am armed with communication. I've never felt more relatable, and in a way, I have never felt more stable.

I am not sure if I thrive off uncertainty, but I know I find commitment hard. I think I like the challenge of what's next and I am well aware this is not always a good thing. 

It's a weird state when not committing to something, actually becomes a commitment. 

It is cool how things are playing out. I really never would of thought I would be living in a hostel hosting new people every night. I have a new friend, I can't really remember not having, and I walk so damn fast around a new city that feels like home. 

One thing that has always remained the same is my music and the wonder. Why are we who we are? Why do we fall into patterns? Why? I use to have these weird blips when I was younger of amazement, that I was who I was, and that my name was Ashley, and that was me in the mirror, and I am kind of feeling that way again. 
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Moving into Sweet Peas has taught a lot about the fundamentals of my character. I'm mildly insensitive but I will help you. It's been enlightening and the amount of talented people is inspiring. The thought processes, the humor, the experience, and the wisdom of people is endless. Genuinely good people, escaping the daily routine to be in the mountains, with the trees, or just to enjoy the breweries makes me yell, "Cheers!" Humanity is alive and it is important to recognize the humanity within yourself.  We are all apart of it, just figuring it out as we go. I've never believed more in risks and chances and I am so happy I took one...even if it wasn't that big of a leap. 

(I took Sage to the pool the other day and she was showing me how huge she could leap.) 

​The simple act of believing what you are doing is huge; is mesmerizing. To actually follow through with something that holds a huge value to you, means even more. We are all capable of that idea we don't tell anyone, we just have to believe in the innocent spirit that ignited the thought. The dream before reality. The understanding that passion outweighs capability and that we are lucky to have the opportunity to do something huge, even if it is the smallest gesture.





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My new dresser! It even locks!
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A long drive for someone with nothing to think about.

7/4/2015

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My eyes, my skin, and my spirit are glued to the sun. It's warmth is infusing the forest green trees into my pores, and I am essentially high. My body is operating and muscle memory steers the wheel. Gosh, Middletown is mesmerizing. The golden glow hypnotizes me as I weave around saying hello to creeks and to the power lines. I assume most people feel a connection to their home town, and today I embrace love for mine. The sun sets on this beautiful valley fertilizing me with nostalgia and giving the fireflies time to play.
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Tomorrow I return to Asheville and my heart treads in the two or three tears I'll shed. I am confused why I have left people that I love and admire, but I know it's because they have given me the confidence to do so.
I had such a fun weekend traveling to three different states celebrating with friends. The first thing I did was get to Maryland. I was craving a run through Middletown. I needed to process everything. I wanted something familiar, my favorite activity, my favorite route.  It was so weird working my way up hills sweating toxins I gathered in a different life. I'm running through Fox Field with my shadow, thinking how odd and unconventional my life is, and how happy I am that it is that way. I almost feel like my shadow, is a distant self, but not. Walking into my house was cleansing. Even my room scattered with clothes doesn't feel cluttered. 
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I made my way up to Atlantic City and had a blast with friends. Getting caught in a sand storm and jumping into the pool at the night club. It was rejuvenating to catch up with people I already know. It was fun to celebrate an exciting occasion and go to the beach! 


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It's nice to return to Sweet Peas with a warm welcome. It feels like home. My bike anticipates my arrival and so does my "studio". I am aware I am developing a new normal.

A routine.

A stagnancy.

Long ago, I was traveling with my friend and his brother and we were at this beautiful lake in Switzerland. The mountains turned our breath into disbelief and language wasn't a barrier with the locals. The guy we met and were hanging out with was telling us about how small the city was and his sentence was interrupted by a boat about to dock. He says, "Come on, there will be waves!" Instantaneously, everyone gets up and gets into the water to ride the ripple, or wave, as they see it.

My mind was really boggled by this idea. Everyone, just waiting for the wave. Just waiting for it to come their way. The point of this little anecdote is because it's kind of how I felt this week.

​Here I am, in a place I like, with like minded people, but as I get to know the logistics, it's like we are just waiting for a wave.
It's six months to get into one gallery, it's two artist ahead of you in another. It's three professional references to even look at the application and it's three online pages before they look you in the eye. 

I am just not used to it. Is this what I want? How do I do it? Gosh, should I go home?
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Being home made things confusing. It reminded me how easy it was. I worked hard, but I could hang art as I pleased, or plan a show at my studio when I was ready. I was the boat making the wave. Now I am onshore. 


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(Time.)


(In time.)


(Give myself time, don't waste it.)


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It's Friday, and they are the best days here at Sweet Peas. I play Susie homemaker and blare my favorite music as everyone congregates in the kitchen and living room. They chat about their journeys or their plan for the day, each taking turns washing their dishes. I buzz around with excitement, a new weekend means even more new people. My stagnancy feelings have faded a bit and I am starting a new job this evening. 


My intuition knows I must create the wave of inspiration for myself again. I don't really know how to do this, but I have found a running route that is ever so challenging...


I think when I got back to Asheville I was struggling because it was comfortable. Excitement is often trumped by comfort and I lost the lust in the logistics. It's not about finding frustration in how long it takes me to accomplish my artistry goals, it's about learning from it. Thinking in terms of admiration for this time and how much opportunity I have to explore. 
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It just takes time. I will keep reminding myself of this, and to pass the time I will continue to collage. But, most importantly, I will continue to believe that I can make this work. 




Ps. To my friends, I wish I was camping this weekend with you all!
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